legacy.

one thing to know about me: i love working-out.

now, with that said, i do not work out as often as i would like to.

[aside from this morning when i ran a 5K race in honor of Kirk Goodwin. my time was 30.32!]

but lately, i've been athletically involved in a intramural team for volleyball.

our team is siggie white. and we are fun.

we are not serious by any means, but have a great time playing.

and to be honest, we're not all that bad. although our record remains 0-2...

i was declared captain by my teammates at our first game.

i have created one rule, and one rule only: always give high-fives.

no matter how awful or how good the person did, always high-five!

during the first game, i felt like such an influence to these girls, even if it was just by encouragement. i'm the only senior on the team and i felt like a captain.

to be honest, i don't know what made me think of high-fives, 

but i did have an epiphany.

i graduate college in 5 weeks. what kind of legacy am i leaving for these girls? what will they say of me when i am gone? what can i do to make a little bit of difference in their mind? or to stand out against the sea of followers... and then it hit me, high-fives. as silly as it may seem, i want to just be a leader even if it is only by the encouraging words that i can give. it's been a rough year with wasted time on my own self. i want to give back to these amazing girls that are in my daily life only for a little bit longer. 

i love volleyball but more so, i love our team. since the first game, when i run into these girls around campus, we always high-five and then a big hug. i ask how they're doing and we leave feeling loved. i guess even something simple can begin to bring people together no matter where they are at in life...

just a thought.

peace, love, and high-fives.

self-realization.

since my last post, not much has changed.

life is busy.

and it's been showing unfortunately.

i wonder if i'll ever not look tired.

i wonder if i'll ever have full faith.

i wonder if i'll ever meet all expectations and more.

i wonder if i'll ever not be selfish.

i wonder if i'll ever not have an attitude.

i wonder if i'll ever not defend myself so quickly,

when someone is only trying to help.

i wonder if i'll truly change these things that i do not like.

i've put up a wall due to the hurt i've had.

i've become tougher because of the daily battles i fight.

and all has brought me to a person that i don't know.

i apologize to anyone and everyone i have ever hurt by my actions or by my words.  i don't pay enough attention of what i say or do and how it has affected others.  and for that, which i cannot take back, i am deeply sorry. know that i am learning and i strive to change that side of me...

[i also apologize that this post was a bit more personal, 

but felt it was necessary]

my life.

(within just a week)

18 hrs of class

30+ hrs of work

11 hrs of sing song practice

only 5 hrs of sleep a night

and NO naps during the day

...all reasons why i have not had time to post... or do anything else with my life.

the beginning changes.

i have this friend who got her masters in speech path last spring and then left to work in europe for nine months. she sent me an email telling me of how she has grown a lot but realizes the real growth will happen when she has to come back to face the problems she left behind...
i would love to run from everything that i face on a daily basis. but God has me here for a reason. i want to move out of state in hopes to find more about myself and just explore. i know i'm made for something great, but its just a matter of getting to that point and knowing where to start. obviously when leaving, you leave the good and the bad behind, and in someways it is running but how do you explore more without running. and how do you face problems that have yet to face you? i don't want to run, but i do want to leave, and i don't want to have to fear coming back to something bad left behind that still would need fixing...

i'm sitting in the library on campus right now and i've never felt so out of place. just a few weeks ago, this was where i lived, from project to project. i seemed to know everyone when walking in and it was nearly impossible to really get a whole lot done. today i walked in without saying hi to a soul, sat down and thought, "this next hour and a half is going to be reeeaally long." i suppose when its time, your heart moves on earlier than you think it would. it's amazing that i've already begun to feel out of place in a town and school that has been my home away from home. it was more of a home here than even back from where i came from. in relation to that thought, where do i belong? i haven't lived somewhere long enough or stuck around to know my place. am i really meant to keep moving from place to place, just because i've done that my whole life? is it possible for me to find a secure place to call home and still feel as if it were home 10+ years later?


...i guess it's just time...

leadership summit.

i haven't been online here because of the christmas break.  i went on a week long class trip to buena vista, co.  and let me just say it was an amazing experience.  it's basically 5-6 days of lectures from professional businessmen and woman (yes, just one). ** i'll have to list all the names of all the speakers when i can get to my list.  i don't want to leave anyone out.**

anyways it was a big wake-up call. in the sense that i have never had to really think about what i want to do... or what i'm even good at... i mean all my life i have just been able to lean on others, mainly my family but even the serious relationships i have been in.  i've never had to think past: small job, get married, have a family, leave all the financial and hard stuff to the husband... BUT now i have to learn what i'm good at, what i'm made for.  i have to learn...scratch that...i want to learn all the hard stuff such as paying bills, figuring out a balance, saving for the future - actually having something to bring into the marriage i will someday have.  and you know what, i'm so excited!!  i'm looking forward to being able to apply everything i learned in the real world!!

although all this is in high spirit, keep me in prayer, for its a long journey ahead.

christmas blues.

i love Christmas. there is a rush that is like no other. like you are giving and selfish all at the same time, but it's okay because it's Christmas. i mean, we're supposed to have a wishlist right? and of course we'll buy people other gifts, greater than what they got us, even if our pocketbooks really can't handle it. i mean it may take people all year to make up the difference of money spent at Christmas, just in time to spend it all again. i mean it's a lot to spend on, especially with the fact that it takes the whole month (even some of november) to prepare and celebrate the joyous occasion, i mean it's just wild. and please don't get me wrong because ... i LOVE Christmas! but now that it is gone, i have a case of the Christmas blues...

all of our extended family were together for Christmas eve and Christmas day. they all left really early the very next morning and it just seems so odd. i mean i've been listening to all the tunes, watched all the movies, and baked all the goods. and now it's all over. it's like i can't listen to the music anymore because the day is gone. and the food, well once we've eaten it all, there's no time or effort left to make more. after all, we only had Christmas shaped cookie cutters anyway...

i mean, let's be real. Christmas is the only holiday that we celebrate for more than the actual day. like i said, we take the whole month to prepare for it. and within the simple stroke of midnight, it's done. and you get a sense of .."what was all my hard work really for?"..

i get the Christmas blues every year. i'm just now letting it all out...hah. Christmas has been more of an emotional time for me this year than i thought it would be. my prayer now will be that God will still be the reason for the season in my heart and in the hearts of my loved ones for any and all seasons that are to come. hopefully all the hullabuloo won't leave me so blue for long :)

thanks for listening.

comfort/inspiration.

it goes without saying: life is hard.

but sometimes we go through phases that are just... harder.

this last semester has been a struggle but also a big lesson.

i have dealt with a lot of loss but God is faithful to His words:

 "you are not alone" and "i will never leave you nor forsake you"

anyways, through the pain and heartache, God has been true.

i've been blessed to grow closer with my family, esp my sister, through it all...

along with growing in old friendships and creating new ones.

my sister sent me this email about an interview with Rick Warren, who wrote Purpose Driven Life.  below are the wise words that gave me comfort and inspiration (it's a little long, but stick with it):

People ask me, What is the purpose of life?

And I respond: In a nutshell, life is preparation for eternity.  We were not made to last forever, and God wants us to be with Him in Heaven.

One day my heart is going to stop, and that will be the end of my body-- but not the end of me.  I may live 60 to 100 years on earth, but I am going to spend trillions of years in eternity.  This is the warm-up act, the dress rehearsal.  God wants us to practice on earth what we will do forever in eternity.

We were made by God FOR God, and until you figure that out, life isn't going to make sense.

Life is a series of problems: Either you are in one now, you're just coming out of one, or you're getting ready to go into another one.  The reason for this is that God is more interested in your character than your comfort; God is more interested in making your life holy than He is in making your life happy.

We can be reasonably happy here on earth, but that's not the goal of life.  The goal is to grow in character, in Christ likeness.

......

I used to think life was hills and valleys - you go through a dark time, then you go to the mountain, back and forth.  I don't believe that anymore.  Rather than life being hills and valleys, I believe that it's kind of like two rails on railroad track, and at all times you have something good and something bad in your life.

No matter how good things are in your life, there is always something bad that needs to be worked on.  And no matter how bad things are in your life, there is always something good you can thank God for.

.......

We need to ask ourselves: Am I going to live for possessions?  Popularity?  Am I going to be driven by pressures?  Guilt?  Bitterness?  Materialism?  Or am I going to be driven by God's purposes (for my life)?

When I get up in the morning, I sit on the side of my bed and say, God, if I don't get anything else done today, I want to know You more and love You better.  God didn't put me on earth just to fulfill a to-do list.  He's more interested in what I am than what I do.  That's why we're called human beings, not human doings.

Happy moments, PRAISE GOD.

Difficult moments, SEEK GOD.

Quiet moments, WORSHIP GOD.

Painful moments, TRUST GOD.

Every moment, THANK GOD.

...that is all :)