legacy.

one thing to know about me: i love working-out.

now, with that said, i do not work out as often as i would like to.

[aside from this morning when i ran a 5K race in honor of Kirk Goodwin. my time was 30.32!]

but lately, i've been athletically involved in a intramural team for volleyball.

our team is siggie white. and we are fun.

we are not serious by any means, but have a great time playing.

and to be honest, we're not all that bad. although our record remains 0-2...

i was declared captain by my teammates at our first game.

i have created one rule, and one rule only: always give high-fives.

no matter how awful or how good the person did, always high-five!

during the first game, i felt like such an influence to these girls, even if it was just by encouragement. i'm the only senior on the team and i felt like a captain.

to be honest, i don't know what made me think of high-fives, 

but i did have an epiphany.

i graduate college in 5 weeks. what kind of legacy am i leaving for these girls? what will they say of me when i am gone? what can i do to make a little bit of difference in their mind? or to stand out against the sea of followers... and then it hit me, high-fives. as silly as it may seem, i want to just be a leader even if it is only by the encouraging words that i can give. it's been a rough year with wasted time on my own self. i want to give back to these amazing girls that are in my daily life only for a little bit longer. 

i love volleyball but more so, i love our team. since the first game, when i run into these girls around campus, we always high-five and then a big hug. i ask how they're doing and we leave feeling loved. i guess even something simple can begin to bring people together no matter where they are at in life...

just a thought.

peace, love, and high-fives.

self-realization.

since my last post, not much has changed.

life is busy.

and it's been showing unfortunately.

i wonder if i'll ever not look tired.

i wonder if i'll ever have full faith.

i wonder if i'll ever meet all expectations and more.

i wonder if i'll ever not be selfish.

i wonder if i'll ever not have an attitude.

i wonder if i'll ever not defend myself so quickly,

when someone is only trying to help.

i wonder if i'll truly change these things that i do not like.

i've put up a wall due to the hurt i've had.

i've become tougher because of the daily battles i fight.

and all has brought me to a person that i don't know.

i apologize to anyone and everyone i have ever hurt by my actions or by my words.  i don't pay enough attention of what i say or do and how it has affected others.  and for that, which i cannot take back, i am deeply sorry. know that i am learning and i strive to change that side of me...

[i also apologize that this post was a bit more personal, 

but felt it was necessary]

my life.

(within just a week)

18 hrs of class

30+ hrs of work

11 hrs of sing song practice

only 5 hrs of sleep a night

and NO naps during the day

...all reasons why i have not had time to post... or do anything else with my life.

the beginning changes.

i have this friend who got her masters in speech path last spring and then left to work in europe for nine months. she sent me an email telling me of how she has grown a lot but realizes the real growth will happen when she has to come back to face the problems she left behind...
i would love to run from everything that i face on a daily basis. but God has me here for a reason. i want to move out of state in hopes to find more about myself and just explore. i know i'm made for something great, but its just a matter of getting to that point and knowing where to start. obviously when leaving, you leave the good and the bad behind, and in someways it is running but how do you explore more without running. and how do you face problems that have yet to face you? i don't want to run, but i do want to leave, and i don't want to have to fear coming back to something bad left behind that still would need fixing...

i'm sitting in the library on campus right now and i've never felt so out of place. just a few weeks ago, this was where i lived, from project to project. i seemed to know everyone when walking in and it was nearly impossible to really get a whole lot done. today i walked in without saying hi to a soul, sat down and thought, "this next hour and a half is going to be reeeaally long." i suppose when its time, your heart moves on earlier than you think it would. it's amazing that i've already begun to feel out of place in a town and school that has been my home away from home. it was more of a home here than even back from where i came from. in relation to that thought, where do i belong? i haven't lived somewhere long enough or stuck around to know my place. am i really meant to keep moving from place to place, just because i've done that my whole life? is it possible for me to find a secure place to call home and still feel as if it were home 10+ years later?


...i guess it's just time...

leadership summit.

i haven't been online here because of the christmas break.  i went on a week long class trip to buena vista, co.  and let me just say it was an amazing experience.  it's basically 5-6 days of lectures from professional businessmen and woman (yes, just one). ** i'll have to list all the names of all the speakers when i can get to my list.  i don't want to leave anyone out.**

anyways it was a big wake-up call. in the sense that i have never had to really think about what i want to do... or what i'm even good at... i mean all my life i have just been able to lean on others, mainly my family but even the serious relationships i have been in.  i've never had to think past: small job, get married, have a family, leave all the financial and hard stuff to the husband... BUT now i have to learn what i'm good at, what i'm made for.  i have to learn...scratch that...i want to learn all the hard stuff such as paying bills, figuring out a balance, saving for the future - actually having something to bring into the marriage i will someday have.  and you know what, i'm so excited!!  i'm looking forward to being able to apply everything i learned in the real world!!

although all this is in high spirit, keep me in prayer, for its a long journey ahead.